My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
