get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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