I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Randomize
