Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Let's paint friendship bongs
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Text me some of your sweat
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
