I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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