I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
