you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
