Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
