Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
