Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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