im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
i think i just lost a toe
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