So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
