i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
