Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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