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I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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