What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize