why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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