Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
