It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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