If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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