i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
