When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
