I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
