No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
