Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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