he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
