How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
