ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
