I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize