she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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