oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
