your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
They should really pass out barf bags in church
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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