mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
