apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
