So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
