He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
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