i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
