thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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