Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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