I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
