i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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