i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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