too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
