new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
