Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
