Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
