The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
