I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize