I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
