oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
