whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
you guys were way drunker than both of me
I faked an abortion last night.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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