I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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