Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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