I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
