happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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