They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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