I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
God, I missed his penis.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
