it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
