New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
