then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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