My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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