I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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