The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
