You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
