Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
